“I’m feeling unheard”: Part of the Conscious Communication Series

In the complexities of human interactions, the shift from “You’re not listening to me!” to “I’m feeling unheard” marks a profound transformation. The first declares a perceived fault in another, creating a dynamic of blame. The second illuminates our internal experience. It shifts our language from a potentially harmful assertion to a statement of personal feeling.

This conscious shift plays a significant role in resolving conflicts and fostering understanding in our relationships. It allows us to sidestep two detrimental elements of communication, as identified by Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle and Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Victimhood and Criticism.

In Karpman’s Drama Triangle, the Victim role is one of the three dysfunctional roles that people often play in conflict situations, with the other two being Persecutor and Rescuer. “You’re not listening to me!” places us in the Victim role, accusing the listener of being the Persecutor. This perpetuates a cycle of blame and resentment.

Meanwhile, Gottman’s Four Horsemen — Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling — are harmful communication patterns that predict relationship troubles. By accusing the other person with “You’re not listening to me!”, we engage in Criticism and, potentially, Contempt.

Now, consider the impact of shifting to “I’m feeling unheard.” This transition breaks the cycle of the Drama Triangle and dismounts the Four Horsemen. It pivots from the dynamic of blaming others to acknowledging our feelings, creating an environment that’s less likely to instigate defensiveness and more likely to promote empathy.

In this article, we’ll delve deeper into this conscious language shift and discuss its psychological underpinnings. We’ll draw upon the research of cognitive scientist Lera Boroditsky, demonstrating how languages that naturally lessen personal blame, like Spanish, lead to less guilt and shame in communication. As we learn from these linguistic tendencies, we’ll explore how to consciously remove blame from our own language, facilitating healthier dialogue.

Throughout this article, we’ll also provide strategies and exercises to practice this communication shift, using ‘I’ statements and active listening. We’ll investigate real-life scenarios where these strategies can be impactful and explore how integrating them can empower us and those we interact with to foster deeper connections and healthier dynamics.

Remember, transitioning to healthier communication patterns isn’t an overnight process; it’s a journey. Every journey begins with a single step, and acknowledging our feelings with phrases like “I’m feeling unheard” is a significant stride on this path. It’s a compass guiding us towards a more empathetic, understanding, and healthier way of interacting.

By understanding and integrating these principles into our daily conversations, we take a step closer to dismounting the Four Horsemen, stepping out of the Drama Triangle, and fostering a life rich with understanding, compassion, and connection.

The Power of “I” Statements

The power of “I” statements cannot be overstated. These statements allow us to express our feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing others. When we say “I’m feeling unheard,” we’re not accusing the other person of not listening. Instead, we’re sharing our emotional state, expressing a need for understanding.

Let’s examine how “I” statements can transform our conversations:

Instead of saying, “You never help with the chores,” try, “I feel overwhelmed with the housework, and I could use some assistance.”

Rather than, “You’re always late,” try, “I feel anxious when I’m kept waiting.”

These examples illustrate how “I” statements reduce defensiveness, create a safe space for conversation, and foster understanding and compassion.

The Influence of Language on Thought

The work of Lera Boroditsky, a cognitive scientist, provides compelling insights into how language influences thought. Her research shows how speakers of different languages perceive the world differently. Notably, she points out how Spanish, a language that naturally lessens personal blame, leads to less guilt and shame in communication.

Boroditsky’s research informs our understanding of conscious language choices. If we consciously remove blame from our language, others are less likely to feel guilt-tripped or shamed. It allows for healthier, more compassionate communication. By adopting this perspective, we can cultivate an atmosphere of understanding, where everyone feels seen and heard.

Applying Conscious Language Choices

Applying these principles requires conscious effort and practice. We can do this by:

1. Identifying our feelings: We can start by becoming more aware of our feelings. Journaling, quiet reflection, mindfulness practices, self-evulation style activities can all help with this.

2. Expressing our feelings using “I” statements: We can practice replacing blame-oriented language with “I” statements that express our feelings and needs.

3. Seeking first to understand, then to be understood: We can do this by practicing active listening. It’s not just about waiting for our turn to speak. It’s about truly hearing the other person’s perspective and empathizing with their feelings.

4. Focussing on request over demand: Instead of demanding what we need, we can practice making a request. This approach allows the other person to meet our needs willingly, fostering a stronger connection. Or it allows them the opportunity to hold a boundary with less pressure to ignore their own needs.

Remember, this journey is about progress, not perfection. Every effort we make to communicate consciously is a step towards healthier relationships and a more fulfilled life.

By consciously choosing to say “I’m feeling unheard,” we are consciously stepping out of the Drama Triangle, dismounting the Four Horsemen, and fostering understanding and compassion. This small shift in perspective, this decision to use a more intentional and conscious language, can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, relational, and generational health. It’s the first of many conscious language choices we’ll explore throughout this book, each promising to guide us towards a more fulfilling and connected life.