“I need space”: Part of the Conscious Communication Series
In our interconnected lives, crowded with demands of our time and attention, the need for personal space is often undervalued. We may find ourselves burdened by the weight of expectations from work, family, and social circles. In these moments, negative, blaming or victimising thoughts may arise automatically. When these kinds of thoughts arise, we can choose not to attach to them and instead consciously choose to recognise that we just need a little bit of space to ourselves to regulate our nervous system and rebalance our thoughts.
Understanding the Need for Space
Needing space is not about pushing people away or shutting ourselves off from the world. Instead, it’s a healthy expression of our need for autonomy and self-care. Identifying our personal space needs requires introspection and self-awareness. Reflecting on how we feel after certain interactions can provide insights. Do we often feel drained after socializing, even with people we love? Are we longing for quiet moments during a hectic day? Do we find our thoughts clearer when we’re alone? By asking these questions and observing our feelings, we can better gauge our need for space. When we communicate, “I need space,” we are expressing a need for time to replenish our energy, to process our thoughts and emotions, and to take care of our well-being. It is worth calling out here that space isn’t only limited to the peripersonal space around our bodies — it can be space in terms of any of our senses — ‘space’ from physical touch might be moving our bodies away from a crowd or another person. We might need space in the sense of sound, where we need a little bit of quiet or less disruptive noise to allow ourselves to hear our own thoughts and calm any turbulence within our minds. We might need space in the sense of sight, where visual ‘noise’ may feel overwhelming and we may need to close our eyes, or to look toward open space such as the sky or the horizon. Even a smell might feel overwhelming or triggering based on our past experiences, and space in that sense may be a whiff of a more pleasant scent, or even just a breath of fresh air.
Navigating Space in Relationships
Every relationship, whether familial, friendly, romantic or even acquaintance, thrives on a delicate balance of togetherness and individuality. As humans, we are social beings, and we also carry an inherent need for autonomy and personal space. The amount of space we need differs for each of us, dependent on many factors from where we sit on the spectrum between introversion and extroversion, down to how we feel in any given moment.
Expressing our need for space can be challenging, particularly because it can be misconstrued as a rejection. However, conscious language choices can help. Phrasing like, “I need some time to myself to recharge and reset,” can express our need without creating feelings of rejection or blame in the other person.
Just as we need space, so do others. Learning to respect others’ need for space is an essential part of healthy relationships. This requires empathy and understanding, as their need for space may not align with ours. When someone communicates their need for space, we can respond with kindness and understanding, affirming their needs and ensuring they feel heard.
Unravelling the Guilt around Personal Space
Our need for personal space can at times be interlaced with feelings of guilt. Society, and sometimes our own conditioning, might lead us to believe that prioritizing personal space is selfish. Let’s begin to openly question this notion and to embrace the understanding that needing space is not only normal but also crucial for our mental and emotional well-being.
In the digital age, the concept of personal space extends well beyond physical space. It encompasses our digital lives too. Turning off notifications, setting boundaries on work email hours, and limiting social media usage can all provide much-needed digital space. Just as we might feel the need to retreat to a quiet room, we might also need to disconnect from the constant barrage of digital communication.
By consciously saying, “I need space,” we take control of our needs, foster healthier relationships, and protect our mental wellbeing. This conscious language choice, is an invitation to respect our boundaries and to encourage others to do the same.
Strategies to Embrace Our Need for Space
Embracing and articulating our need for space might feel daunting at first, especially in the face of societal expectations and obligations. However, with conscious effort and practice, it is entirely possible. Here are some strategies we can practice:
1. Articulating Our Needs: We can use conscious, non-blaming language to express our need for space. Phrases such as “I need some quiet time to recharge” or “I’d appreciate some quiet time alone to unwind” can be helpful.
2. Setting Boundaries: We are responsible for clearly defining and stating our personal boundaries and doing our best to adhere to them. This could mean setting aside quiet time during our day, limiting social interactions when we’re feeling drained, or establishing a personal sanctuary / safe space at home.
3. Engaging in Restorative Activities: When we engage in activities that replenish our energy and calm your mind, we are practicing self-care. This could be a long walk, meditation, reading, dancing like no one is watching or any activity that provides a sense of emotional release, relaxation and peace of mind.
4. Prioritizing Self-Care: Remember that taking time for ourselves isn’t a luxury — it’s a necessity. Prioritizing self-care activities can help us relax and rejuvenate, giving us more energy to delve back into ‘shared spces’ so to speak.
By consciously choosing to say “I need space,” we give ourselves permission to take care of our physical, mental, and emotional needs. As we delve deeper into the world of conscious language, it is an important reminder that we need to practice honouring our needs without guilt or apology, knowing that self-care is paramount for our overall health and happiness, and that guilt is a learned behaviour — modelled to us through less conscious language and behaviours throughout our lifetime, that we can consciously choose to no longer participate in.
